Hi there! I originally planned to wait until after my appointment with the plastic surgeon to write my next post. But here I am two days before the appointment flinging my fingers across the keyboard like a 1950’s secretary trying to keep up with an overly wordy boss.
At this point, I have exhausted all my tricks to help keep the anxiety at bay and am currently near a point of hyperventilation, so I figured I might as well share this part of the journey too. I am not always sunshine and rays of hope. Sometimes, I am a combination of storm clouds and doom mixed with a dash of irritability. I’m still not sure if it’s the imbalanced hormones I am dealing with, insecurities over the unknown or straight up anger over the situation, but sometimes, I just wanna punch someone or something in the teeth. Since I am being so open and honest, I must tell you, I have not been gifted with the ability to deliver a strong punch (like my sister); therefore, even if I tried to punch someone or something, I’d probably hurt myself more. Typing seems to be a better and safer approach for me, so I guess I better stick with it.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am fortunate to have found out about my BRCA1 mutation before cancer had a chance to deliver even more chaos to by world. I also believe whole heartedly that once surgeries are behind me, I will be a stronger version of myself. For now, though, I am an internal mess of emotions. I am nervous, anxious, sad and pissed off all at the same damn time. I am beyond irritated that I am dealing with all of this. I am tired of Covid keeping me from the family and friends I often lean on to distract me and provide comfort. I like to be busy and hate the crappy thoughts that sneak in when I find myself surrounded by silence. Days like this make me appreciate the good days even more.
For ANYONE waiting for answers or clear directions, please know you are NOT ALONE. We are all going to have days like this. Lord knows I have had many since opening that damn 23andme report last January. Getting answers and formulating plans take time and COVID has added additional months of waiting to the equation. Let’s hang on together. With vaccines increasing, new cases lowering and a better understanding of the disease, we are going to get where we need to be. Our scheduled appointments will hopefully be able to happen and our surgeries will finally be able to get on the books.
For today though, I am going to give my self the day to wallow. I am going to curl up on the couch and attempt to finish a book that I have been reading for far too long. I am going to let the tears fall and give myself some grace. I am going to prepare my thoughts for the counseling session I have scheduled for tomorrow and not worry about not being strong enough to navigate these waters on my own. I might reach out to a friend that I haven’t talked to in awhile to let them know I have been thinking of them. I am going to try my hand at a new recipe. Cooking is something I normally love, but lately have felt like it is a burden. However, when words fail me, cooking is my way to show my love and appreciation. I hope my guys recognize my adoration for them through a homemade dinner plate. Lastly, I am going to lift up some love and positive vibes to two of the strongest gals I know. Both are going through treatments AGAIN. I am in awe of them both and look to them more than they will ever know for inspiration and guidance. Their unwavering faith and kindness leave me in awe and because of their bright lights, I know my tomorrow will be better. They make me want to conquer the negatives and provide me with an internal flame to face the obstacles I know are still in front of me. I hope you will join me in tossing love and positivity in the universe for both Sheri Lott and Patty Faas. They have both beat the shit outta cancer before and I know they are going to do it once more.
For today’s song, I have chosen one that I stole from another gals “Boobs Breakup Playlist”. I am normally not a huge fan of this song, but I have heard it a few times randomly the past week, so I’m rolling with it. By the way….. what the F is tubthumping?????
As always, thanks for virtually listening to me rant. I will let you know how Thursday’s appointment goes. Fingers crossed that we finalize the best path for me and can move forward with a plan to remove the girls before summer. Take care of yourself and those you love.
PS…..If you don’t mind, please share what helps you to get through the bad moments. XOXO