Closing a Chapter!

Hi there!

Once again it has been a hot minute since my last blog post. To say my life has been CRAZY the last few months is a huge understatement. I have had quite a few things in the works for years and they all seem to be forming one colossal crescendo! That being said, I will try my best to focus on closing the door on my BRCA1+ surgical journey and where I plan to go from here.

It has been eight days since I had, what I hope, is my LAST breast reconstruction surgery!!!  If you have been following along, you know the saga. Since finding out I carry a BRCA1 mutation in January 2020, I have had a total of eight surgeries. Five that focused on my breasts (Preventative Double Mastectomy ~ Straight to Implants, Fat-Grafting Surgery #1, Swapping the Enormous Original Implants for Smaller Ones/Removal of my Nipples, Revision to Tighten the Pockets and Secure the  Location of Each Breast, Fat-Grafting Round #2) a Hysterectomy/Bi-lateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy and two Trigger Thumb Surgeries (one for each thumb.)  If you add my Shoulder Surgery from September 2019, that is nine knocked out procedures and recoveries in less than five years.

If you read my last post, you may remember that I went into the pre-op area last time thinking I was having Fat- Grafting Round #2 done, only to have my doctor change course at the last minute due to my right breast “Penny” sagging like a dehydrated flower in the summer heat.  This time, I met with my physician a week prior to surgery to ward off any last-minute course corrections. Thankfully, both girls stood their ground, and the plan of action stayed the same.

So, on Tuesday, April 23, 2024, Penny, Clover, and I found ourselves once again on a gurney donning a lovely hospital gown, prepping for the final pages of an exceptionally long and sometimes complicated chapter.  Here are some things that stand out about this particular experience.

• It is never stress free. One would think it would get easier, but it really does not.
• I tolerate every aspect and try my hardest to not complain, but I will never like being poked and prodded.
  • Though it is fleeting, there is a pinch and a sting with every IV started. Some people are naturally gifted at the “jab” and the pain is minimal, others could benefit from a more tender touch.
  • The Heparin shot sucks. I am not exactly sure why I dislike it so much, but I do. I understand why they give it; I simply do not like it.
    • For those who may not know, they give this injection to help ward off blood clots.
• Some people questioned my original choice to do a preventative double mastectomy. Even more questioned why I continued to “tweak” the results.
  • In the initial stages of the process, I would often try to defend or make people understand my decisions. As time progressed, I released (most of) the guilt I felt and gave up on defending my actions.
    • A special note to ANYONE out there who is reading this blog for the first time and is considering a surgical path to prevention.
      • Making the decision that is RIGHT FOR YOU takes time and courage! Weigh your options. Although it is one of the most personal choices you may ever make, you do not have to make it alone. If you do not have a strong at-home network, please reach out and find a mentor in one of the Preventative Mastectomy groups.
• Accompanying the anxiety that presents itself as each surgery draws closer is the reminder of WHAT carrying a genetic mutation such as this can mean.
  • Even when you know you have dramatically reduced your odds of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer, the mind tends to oscillate like an old-fashioned fan and the repetitive thoughts tend to spin uncontrollably once more.
    • Guilt – WHY was I lucky enough to avoid hearing the words “you HAVE cancer?” when so many others have not been so fortunate?
  • • Fear – Once I finally complete all the surgeries, which greatly reduces my risk of breast and ovarian cancer, will the mutation find a different avenue and increase the potential risk of other cancers like pancreatic, peritoneal, colon, or skin?
  • • Uncertainty – What complications will this surgery present? Will I look and feel more confident in my own skin after this one?
  • • Insecurity – I wish I could say I love the results from my previous surgeries, am happy /content with the finished product, feel beautiful and sometimes even “sexy.”  Unfortunately, the truth is I have not felt whole or attractive (for my husband) in almost four years. Do I feel lucky? Absolutely! Grateful? 100% Desirable? Not in the slightest. *** I feel compelled to remind ANYONE reading this….a Preventative Mastectomy is NOT A BOOB JOB!!*** I personally did NOT turn up in a Plastic Surgeon’s office for Breast Augmentation, nor do I judge any woman who does. I simply know, I made the very hard decision to remove ALL of my breast tissue and nipples in an effort to keep Breast Cancer from invading my life! It was a complete survival tactic. I am absolutely immensely grateful I had the opportunity to avoid that scary fate. I believe it is also okay for me (and other women out there) to want to feel as complete as possible. No woman should be made to feel guilty about her choices, but I am super sensitive when others try to make it all sound trivial or a joyous occurrence. Each and every preventative surgery brings its own unique set of life-long side effects.
      • From surgical menopause stealing 95% of my libido to a plethora of scars that at times leave me feeling like the Bride of Frankenstein, to having zero sensation on either breast, I can honestly say I have lost more than my boobs along the way.
  • Doubt – Ughhh. Am I doing the right thing? Should I really put myself through all of this? Maybe I should cancel the whole damn thing! Who cares if I am self-conscious? Isn’t everyone to some degree?

As you can imagine, the days and hours leading up to the actual surgery are filled with angst and little sleep. Thankfully, all those feelings dissipate the moment some wonderful individual from the anesthesia team meanders into the small pre-operative space behind the curtain, slips a little dose of sleep elixir into that narrow tube and in an instant the chaos and nervousness cease to exist.

That blissful state of numbness does not last long. Though the clock says it has been hours, I wake up feeling as though Jim just kissed me as I was being wheeled from the room. The compression pants and tightly velcroed bra send signals to my brain telling me, once again, surgery is complete. The mixture of waning anesthesia mixed with pain meds and Benadryl leaves me feeling as loopy as a cat that just consumed too much catnip. Thankfully, Jim once again helps me pull myself together enough to get released and we take the 2-hour ride back home.

Have I mentioned that in the weeks leading up to this surgery, we were busy packing our things in the little A-Frame we have called home for almost ten years, moving into a newly designed “apartment space” above the garage at our beloved cottage AND remodeling the main living space at said cottage all at the SAME time?  In addition to these life stressors, several people we loved dearly moved on to eternity, leaving others we love tremendously here on this earth to navigate through their new reality. There have been quite a few other hits that have been delivered already this year, but those need to be silenced for now. Let’s just say, 2024 has already dealt out its fair share of ups and downs and it’s only the beginning of May!

WARNING:I will soon provide a visual journal of the process from before surgery through healing. Breasts will be shown. If you don’t want to see them, please exit now. Thanks!

I know I am getting off track, so let me jump back on the Recovery train. I do not like being sedentary, so this process is always difficult for me. However, fat-grafting is no joke and though I have been able to manage without narcotics, my daily cocktails of Ibuprofen and Tylenol have been necessary. The bruising is impressive! I am pretty much black and blue from my breasts to my thighs. Once I find a comfortable position, I try to stay there for as long as possible. Sleeping on either side is almost unthinkable as both hips were grafted from, but the most tender area by far is that of my inner thighs! Jinkies! Who knew that area was so tender!!!  Penny and Clover are still swollen, but I am hopeful they will hold on to some of the fat their sibling body parts were kind enough to share their cells with. They say typically 50 – 60% of the fat should stay, so I am crossing my fingers and toes (but not my legs, because they still hurt) and am praying I find contentment within the final results. Even if I am not 100% satisfied, I believe this will be the LAST surgery I voluntarily put myself through for a very long time. I am certain THAT is music to quite a few people’s ears (including my husband’s and my mother’s)

• I once again want to take a moment to shout out to the lady who might be considering this as a step in her own reconstruction saga….
  • GIRL………… I SEE YOU and I HEAR YOU! Only YOU know what it is going to take to make you feel as whole as possible. No decision is the wrong one and every decision comes with its own page to your story. Dig deep, weigh the options and potential outcomes, then make the decision that is RIGHT FOR YOU!!!  If you are not comfortable with your team of physicians, look for a new team. This journey is tough, but so are you! I and plenty of others are here if you need us.

As promised in the opening to this post, I want to take a moment to talk about where I am heading from here. I did not want to mention this in a blog post until I felt confident my surgical saga was complete. Now that I am confident it is, I am ready to tell y’all about it.

At some point after my double mastectomy, I came up with the idea to create a “Companion Book” for BRCA+ women who make the decision to take a surgical path to prevention. Blogging has been great and helped me a ton as a traveled down this path, but one thing I was missing was an actual handheld book. Call me traditional, but there is just something about being able to hold something in your hands, flip the pages, write on and highlight. Some form of actual interaction helps me to process what I read. I also found, while sitting for hours at different appointments, that not every office/hospital has a good Wi-Fi connection. This fact frequently left me fumbling to find names and numbers of doctors on my “team” and frustrated when I could not log onto Facebook, plink around on Instagram, or play Words with Friends while I waited. ~ What started as an idea turned into a 130-page Companion Book filled with educational material, motivational content, organizational tips, and one-of-a-kind activities to help the reader stay in a positive mindset when the days seem dark and heavy. The title of the book is BRCA BRCA 1-9, which is a nod to my son’s inappropriately timed humorous response when I told him I carried this mutation and that he might as well (and he does.) Apparently, he immediately thought of a trucker grabbing his CB microphone to let anyone within listening range know he had something to say. My husband and son both have a talent for making people laugh under stressful circumstances. It is a blessing and a curse. My son’s initial response helped ground me and helped me realize, even though life tosses us trials and tribulations, we can still find something to smile about. It seemed a fitting title for my companion book, as I can relate to the highway cruising trucker that has information to share with anyone who will listen. The book can be found on Amazon or ordered directly through me. Here is the Amazon link if you would like to check it out.

Through Covid, doctor appointments, procedures, and life’s hiccups, the last 52 months have at times been overwhelming and exhausting. As I look toward a surgery-free future, I am finally giving myself permission to make room for exciting changes. The universe continues to remind me that things happen at the precise moment they are meant to. Several people from my past have recently reemerged in my life. This excites me, restores my faith, and helps me believe there are positive adventures in my future. Before I wrap up, I want to share one more thing, as it is important to reiterate this fact ~ even when life seems stressful and dull, pay attention to unforeseen opportunities. Long story, short (well sort of short)……IF you go back in time and read old posts, you will find I am obsessed with Eric Church, his band, and his fans. Collectively they have been a solid light through my darkest days. Anyway, Eric Church recently opened a bar in Nashville called Chief’s. Right before it opened, he let the Church Choir know he would be doing a nineteen show “Residency” in the less than four hundred seat venue that was created for artists to provide an intimate atmosphere for attendees to hear their stories and songs in a one-of-a-kind setting. Fans went crazy, you had to be “selected” to even have a chance at scoring a seat for one of the shows. I was NOT lucky and did NOT receive a coveted code to even get the chance at securing tickets. There were only two dates I could even possibly make it to, so I jumped on a Fan Feed and made a plea. I mentioned I would be willing to take two tickets off anyone’s hands IF something happened and the tickets, they were able to purchase went up for grabs. Eleven days after making the plea, I realized someone had tried to contact me. She ended up with two extra tickets for one of those dates! Without mentioning it to Jim, I stalked this woman and prayed she still had them. Guess what…. SHE DID!!  Now remember, we are in the middle of disarray! Painting, remodeling, packing, sadness, moving AND working. Jim’s first reaction was “you know we cannot do this.”  I nodded my head, shut my mouth, cruised through the day, and went to bed. The next morning, I declared I WAS going! I formulated a plan to go solo. As I was about to text the woman with the tickets that I would be accompanying a friend on the second day and was not able to take her tickets, my husband messaged me and asked, “how sure are you about those two tickets?”  What? You don’t believe a woman from Canada, whom we never met actually has two tickets that we don’t need to pay for until we actually meet the DAY of the show?  I clearly do not see how anything could go wrong here. LOL. I replied with “I’m as confident as one could possibly be, but it is certainly a risk.”  The only thing I can say is…that man loves a healthy dose of crazy and I happily oblige every chance I can!

So, we abandoned the pandemonium of our life and snuck away for a DAMN good 48 hours!!!  Not only did we get to see the show, which was AMAZING, but we also got to reconnect with good friends AND met some really awesome new Eric Church obsessed fans. It was, without a doubt, a perfect distraction and much needed pick me up experience. To top it all off, we got to see MY GIRL….the one and only Joanna Cotten! She was just as lovely and personable as she was that time I plopped my behind right next to her on a flight from Sacramento to Las Vegas. It was an extra special surprise to see her there, as she stepped away from touring with Eric a couple of years ago. Little did anyone know at the time; she was in Nashville rehearsing for Eric’s controversial stint at Stagecoach. Joanna is a treasure to me! I am not just an EC fan; I am a fan of the ENTIRE experience! Eric, Joanna, the band, and the fans were instrumental in getting me through the lowest lows. To see them all on the stage this past Friday night via the Amazon Prime Livestream was incredibly perfectly timed. Friday was the worst day of this recovery for me, so to see the magic created anytime Eric and Joanna share the stage delivered a comfort straight to my heart. Once again, they helped pull me through a rough night and I will be forever grateful to them and the healing power of their music. The adventure from Nashville to watching the Stagecoach performance is, once again, a reminder that the fabric of life weaves good times with tough times, happy days with sad days and sunshine with moonlight. I hope I never stop acknowledging the bright stars that shine through the darkness and I pray I can sometimes help others when their world is cloudy and uncertain.

If you have made it this far in today’s post, PLEASE feel free to share the link for this blog and/or my Companion Book with ANYONE you might know could benefit from it. I have received lots of positive feedback on the book but would love for it to reach women far and wide. If you have any direct connections with physicians, cancer wellness centers, hospitals etc. and are willing to share their contact information, let me know. My goal has always been and will continue to be, to help as many individuals as I possibly can. I am confident I will be able to achieve this with the help of a strong network.

I can’t let the post slip by without adding a couple of songs. I am sure you can imagine who I will highlight!

“When something is wrong, everybody needs a Savior, a good friend and a favor” – TRUTH!!! Please check this lady out on whatever streaming service you use. As of right now, she has 3 Solo Shows scheduled at Chief’s, with hopefully more music and more shows on the horizon!

Wow! So much to say about this video right here. I was originally looking for a video from this past Friday night’s Stagecoach performance, but I couldn’t find it, so I started looking for another one. There ae quite a few and each one is a little different. I chose this one for multiple reasons. #1 – I was at THIS show! It was my FIRST time in the Pit and the show that changed it all for me. #2 – Sacramento is the place I met several fans, who have become part of my “Church Family”. #3 This was about 2 months before I found out I carried the BRCA mutation. Little did I know when I met two gals in the Pit this night, not only were they both Breast Cancer Survivors, but they would become beacons for me to turn to when I needed proof that light shines through the dark. #4 Another lady I met this day has been the ROCK for her husband as he continues to fight his own cancer battle. You better believe she LOVES him LIKE JESUS DOES……and I am so happy my own crazy loving husband LOVES me the same! M,L. ~ IF you read this post, I LOVE you and think of you every day! XOXO #5 I was about 4 rows back, dead center in the pit at this show. If a camera were to pan to the crowd you would see myself and my new friend providing grace to the drunken woman who pushed her way in front of us for this song. I REALLY wanted to rip her hair out of her head, but they were singing about Jesus, and I certainly did not want that on my conscience! 😉

I want to close today’s post with and enormous THANK YOU to every single person who has been with me in some fashion through this on-going odyssey. I am grateful for every prayer, good vibe, phone call, text message, friend, card, visit, meal, doctor, blog reader, drink pourer, and individual that provided some kind of inspiration or motivation along the way. I would not have made it this far without the outpouring of love and support I received. Believe it or not, I am also grateful to those who chose to show their true colors as I traveled this life-altering adventure. Your disengagement speaks volumes, and your negative energy no longer has a seat at my table of life. I wish you well and bid you adieu.

Stay tuned, my friends. I can’t wait to see and share what the future holds.

Peace, Love and Gratitude,

Gina Marie