Today is supposed to be my day to prep for surgery. Unfortunately, 2020 continues to show me who is in charge. You see, 13 days ago Jim and Jacob set out and a once in a life adventure. They loaded up two vehicles with 4 other guys and headed west to Colorado. Before you judge, please know they have had this trip planned for 2 years. They took all necessary precautions and were heading to a totally isolated area. Unfortunately, two hours after returning home, one of the fellows rapid tested positive for Covid-19.
I am sure it goes without saying, I am beyond upset. This year never seems to let up on its punches. So now, this already anxiety riddled girl is worried about loved ones testing positive and getting sick and has had to reschedule surgery for December 15th.
If you want to know the truth…I want to punch a wall, break every breakable in my house and toss all the contents of my home into a dumpster and move far away from everything that is currently reality. A bit over dramatic? Sure? But, welcome to my world.
I contemplated writing this entry but wanted others to see that I am not always the positive/loving individual that I strive to be. It is work, every single day of my life. Anxiety and depression are no joke and anyone who thinks that they are should count their lucky stars that they have never felt the crippling debilitation they deliver to their host.
It has been close to 10 months since I found out that I carry the BRCA1 mutation. It will be over 11 months knowing that I have it until I am (hopefully) able to get my freaking ovaries removed. That is 11 months of intense fear. Add COVID-19 19 to the mix and the level of anxiety triples.
I imagine that I will settle down and switch gears over the next few days. In the meantime, I will cross my fingers and do my best to stay clear of the men I love until they are able to be tested themselves. For those of you who don’t believe that COVID-19 is not a big deal, I hope you find some empathy and sympathy for those who have and are struggling with the existence of it in their homes and lives. I pray that no one I love gets taken down from this dreaded virus. I pray that if a loved one does get it, that it is a mild case and I pray with all that I have that a better treatment and vaccine are just around the corner.
Thanks for tuning in to today’s Shit Show update. I may not write for a while, but will let y’all know how the Covid tests turn out. Any good vibes are much appreciated.
Today’s Song is new to me but hits very close to home. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for more years than I can count. One of the reasons I hate the quiet is because this is when the irrational thoughts sneak in the most. If you have ever experienced the annoyance of these beasts, I hope you find some comfort in these lyrics and strength knowing you aren’t the only one. XOXO
One more thing…..just for a laugh. This is what I woke up to this morning. Just what this sunshine loving girl wanted to see……NOT!!! All I could do was chuckle and toss up my middle finger. 2020….I’m calling it…..Uncle. Now, will you please let up?????